Football Fan Anonymous

In the movie "Gladiator" Russel Crowe plays a character that is fictional, yet an embodiment of Roman characteristics. I'm writing of a character that is embodying the internet Jaguars fan (on average) and what he teaches and/or learns at a "Football Fan Anonymous" meeting. Enjoy!


"Hi I'm Surteal and...."

"Hi, Surteal", the crowd echoes non-chalantly.

"And I'm here today because my team hasn't been playing well".

"Whose your team?" the man to my right asks with a knowing stare. I could tell this was a setup and began to wonder if I should even be here.

"The Jaguars" I replied. At this point I was waiting on the guy to unbutton his pretentiously tucked in Tommy Hilfiger button up and reveal a white on blue #18 jersey and ask me to explain who Courtney Greene is. I was ready to defend Greene by stating that our General Manager Gene Smith got him, so he must be good, right?

Just as my mind had crossed the border between reality and apprehensive fantasy, the man asked me which Jaguars.

It started slow. I could feel it in my heart, figuratively and literally. My blood was boiling and my temples began to stick out on my head the way my 7th grade basketball coaches did. We all made fun of him for it and I couldn't imagine the sight I was, but my team was being insulted.

"Remember, be calm" I told myself.

Summoning every bit of stoic-ness I could, I replied, "The Jacksonville Jaguars".

"Aint they got that short guy?" a man in the back asks.

"Yeah, Maurice Jones-Drew"

"Yeah, that boy can block!"

"He sure can!" I replied with the slightest bit of excitement while replaying the 'Merriman hit' in my mind. At least now I have a somewhat-ally against this Colts fan. I just know he's a colts fan.

It was quiet for about 10 seconds so I felt obligated to continue to talk.


"As I said before, my team isn't playing well and it affects me. They gave us hope last year: a new GM, an elite RB, and better WR's. The GM's draft was excellent, so they advertised. Some called it the best in the league. They told us we were building the lines and that in the next few years we would be competitive enough to be a consistent playoff team. I couldn't control my excitement."

At this point I could see the look in their eyes seem to match up with the way I felt. The man wearing the Bengals jersey in the front kind of rolled his eyes as he folded his arms. It was almost as if wanted to guard himself from even the idea of playoffs. I couldn't blame him. They really fell apart last year and nothing is worse than false hope. False hope, that's it!

"The more I began to believe in this new GM and the way the team was moving. The more hope I had in the team."

I let that sit for a moment, glancing around the room. The woman wearing the Buccaneers jersey seemed to pre-occupied with her cell phone to care. I gave up on controlling the room with that.

"I soon began to learn that this was false hope"

A giant sigh released from the crowd of about 13 or so. I had them. They would here my story and give me the attention I so craved. They would notice how we've been wronged as fans and I would have my affirmation.

"After starting 7-5 and leading the Wild-Card race, they dropped four straight games and missed the playoffs. Then they drafted a guy that I had never heard of in the top-10 and missed out on Tebow."

Another giant sigh. I'm feeling momentum build.

"And we're not even talking about 'some college QB', we're talking about Tim Tebow. God made him to come win Super Bowls for the Jaguars. He was even born in Jacksonville!"

Mouths dropped. I had them.

"Even worse, our pass defense...."

Their heads adjusted, like dogs when they try to figure you out, but this was different. They wanted more and I was going to give it to them.

"Did you know that only one person in the Jags defensive backfield has made the Pro Bowl? We got a guy from William and Mary wherever that is. We got an undrafted guy, no doubt for a reason. And then we got a slow guy that they advertise as smart. He's smart, not psychic! Who cares if he knows whats about to happen based on this or that? He's too slow to get there. How are we supposed to win with this? Our GM hasn't traded for anybody! And we still don't have Tebow! How long before we get him, really?"

I pressed.

"Then there's Garrard. Ever since he took over for Leftwich, he got lazy. Yeah, lazy. He had that one good year and then our owner gave him a big 'Tony Romo-like' contract. Does he play like Romo? No! Romo has big stats and has made the Pro Bowl. He is the epitome of a championship QB!"

I felt like even Hitler could take notes at this point. JFK too.

"And the O-line, wow! Where do I even start? They either do good in run-blocking or pass-blocking, never both and they always mess up a drive with a stupid play."

Yeah, they were all about to tell me it was much worse here than everywhere else.

"Well, Surteal,"

The Colts fan stood up. Here comes the Manning jersey. I just know it.

"Do you watch any other teams games?"

"Sure when they play the Jaguars"

"No, I mean do you tune in to say, the Buccs on a regular basis? Have you seen a Rams game in the last few years?"

"Well, not really, I'm too busy with the Jaguars to watch another team. That would be un-loyal of me to pay so much attention to another team."

Yeah, that's right. Don't question my loyalty. I got him good.



{Here's a funny speech to waste your time with. It was the best version, but the way its done is odd yet intriguing. Subsitute Sales for Jaguars and Jacksonville for Motherland.}

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