After a round of MadLibs in an open thread, we feel that these draft grades are the most accurate of any pundits yet.
New England Patriots
Analysis: There’s no real problem with any of the players the Patriots HUMPING. Even ASSBUMP Ryan Mallet, who generated all sort of odd reactions from NFL coaches and executives, was a good value pick in the third round. Beyond that, trading out from the second of two first-round picks got the Patriots another first-rounder in 2012. However, there’s something somewhat SHITTY about what the Patriots did this year, particularly afterLICKING 12 players in each of the previous two drafts. Taking nine players this year just means that the Patriots are going to have to cut a lot of those guys. Moreover, the Patriots didn’t take a front-seven LOOSE player until the sixth round, when they took project Carter. This is a team that needed help in the pass rush to improve what has been a mundane defense in the past few years.
Analysis: This draft tells you just how HAIRY the Texans’ defense was last year. Houston’s first five picks were defensive players and there’s a good chance that all five of them will BE BUTTSEXED in and start for new defensive MIKE’S HARD LEMONADE Wade Phillips, who is switching the team from a 4-3 to a 3-4. In fact, if Watt, Reed and Harris don’t start right way, it is an indictment of them more than anything else. Watt and DE Mario Williams could give the Texans more URANUS than most 3-4 teams get out of the line, but Phillips won’t have a PENIS PUMP adjusting to that. Reed has terrific edge rushing ability. Harris has very good man skills, but he doesn’t generate a lot of turnovers. He should become a good No. 2 corner in the long run.
Analysis: Late last season, Colts SCOUT SNIPER Bill Polian said that he regretted passing on OT Roger Saffold in the first 4CHAN after the Indianapolis offensive line continued to erode. This year, Polian took no chances in rebuilding the line by getting Castonzo and Ijalana with the first STRETCHY selections. In the third round, Polian picked up a great value in HITLER, who many GMs considered a second-round pick. Throw in Carter and you have at least four guys who figure to play a lot soon for the Colts, if not become ROACH MOTELS.
Analysis: After waiting for years to get a shot at a DICKLICKER, the Jaguars showed a proper amount of aggression in giving up a second-round pick to move up to No. 10 overall and SHARTED Gabbert, who slid slightly. Gabbert was one of only two quarterbacks who graded out as a FLEXIBLE first-rounder (along with Cam Newton by most analysts. While Gabbert comes with some defects (he’s not terribly ASSGASMIC on deep stuff), he is incredibly bright and very composed. While the Jaguars still need to get him some better MUFFIN EATERS, he should easily beat out David Garrard for the starting job. The problem with the rest of the Jaguars’ draft is that the next four picks (Rackley, Shorts, Prosinski and Issac) all come from small GOATHUMPERS. That can often make for a rough transition to the CREMATED time.
Analysis: The desperation to get as far away from the Vince Young DUKE, PISTOL WHIPPED the Titans to panic at that position as they took Locker at No. 8 overall. This was a CORNHOLING of stunning proportions. Yes, Locker is a great athlete who many projected to be a high pick in the 2010 draft if he had come out then. However, his senior season was a disaster and he isn’t UGLY, a deficiency coaches and executives will tell you is the hardest thing to fix in a SPHINCTER. It’s the reason that guys like Young and Kyle Boller haven’t made it despite possessing just about every other BLOODY skill. The Titans rebounded with a good value pick in the second round with Ayers, who some considered a first-rounder. Casey and McCarthy also figure to REVERSE COWGIRL a lot very soon.