New Onion article about the Jaguars

I saw this and thought I should share it. I couldn't copy/paste the formatting or whatever, so I just took the text and pasted it here.

Jacksonville Jaguars Struggling to Understand Passing Game; Like Whole Concept

The Jacksonville Jaguars fell to 1-3 after losing Sunday to the visiting Cincinnati Bengals (3-1). The team generated only 212 yards against the Bengals 29th ranked defense, a number which some fans think would be higher if the team embraced the modern game. The Jaguars have struggled in recent history to generate offense, and after finishing dead last in Offense in 2011, the team set out to adapt to the new NFL and add a few new concepts to their offense.

"There’s this new thing called ‘passing’ " says local fan Jim Cook, age 27. "It’s really cool. It’s where a guy, I think he’s called a ‘Dollarback’, like, throws the football to a ‘Wide Catcher’ or something. I don’t have all the details, but I hear it’s supposed to be really exciting."

General Manager Gene Smith was the man behind the Jaguars decision to explore the potential of this increasingly effective form of offense. " It’s been our goal to build a passing attack for the last few years." Smith admitted hesitantly after a deep sigh. "I did exhaustive amounts of research on all kinds of football before being promoted to GM from my scouting position and I think we’re well on our way..."

"We went out and got one of those ‘quarterback’ things everybody likes so much in the draft. We kind of figured that from there a passing game would figure itself out... Of course, when that didn’t work, we were forced to take a guy that has great hands to catch the ball. A whatchamacallit. Pass catcher. You know, one of those guys."

Smith is referring, of course, to first round picks, Quarterback Blaine Gabbert and Wide Receiver Justin Blackmon.

On his struggling QB Smith said, "In Gabbert, we saw a guy who could throw the ball really hard. I guess we kinda figured that that would be enough. Apparently, though, there’s other stuff involved in being a good Quarterback. Like, something about reading. And a gameplan."

When approached for more specific information about the potential for passing, Head Coach Mike Mularkey had this to say, "I’m certainly aware of the concept of a passing game. I dunno why we can’t do it. Adding a guy like Justin Blackmon, who possesses average size... and questionable deep speed in the top 5 of the draft just hasn't been the thing we need to put us over the top."

Mularkey also told reporters, "You might want to talk to [Offensive Coordinator Bob] Brat[kowski]. He might know how this whole passing thing is supposed to work."

Requests were sent to Bratkowski for an interview, but he refused, stating "I’d love to help you understand the passing game, but I know about as much as you do."

Reporters also approached Blaine Gabbert in the locker room. Gabbert’s answers were short, choppy and obviously nervous. "They picked me, ok? It’s not my fault the passing game doesn’t work." Gabbert also got defensive at moments, claiming that "...people don’t know this, but the QB isn’t actually responsible for making appropriate reads, leading the passing attack, or throwing accurately down the field. That’s the kind of stuff you blame on the offensive line."

"I mean, come on." Gabbert concluded, "I’m a first rounder. That means it can’t be my fault."

The Jaguars face the 2-2 Chicago Bears next week at Soldier Field. If they lose, the team will be 1-4 and well on their way to a 6th consecutive top 10 draft pick. Still, the Jaguars haven’t given up hope.

"All we need is a little more time for the team to come together and work out the kinks." Mularkey said, "And maybe the number of that Peyton Manning guy. I bet he could explain how this whole thing is supposed to work."

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