What's the opposite of power? Impotence.
As part of my Battle to the Bottom series, I will be including a weekly "Impotence Ranking," listing the 32 teams in the NFL from most to least impotent. It should be pretty self-explanatory.
1) (1-5) Jacksonville Jaguars: It was a tough choice between the Chiefs and Jaguars, but while both have hopeless offenses, the Chiefs have Dwayne Bowe and Jamaal Charles to back up their QB, while the Jaguars have Justin "Oops was I supposed to catch the ball?" Blackmon and Rashad Jennings. 'Nuff said.
2) (1-5) Kansas City Chiefs: They didn't play last week, so it's hard to remember exactly how bad they are. Really, they're just the "anti-DJ Khaled" (JD Delahk?) because all they do is lose, lose, lose no matter what. They don't give up a ton of yards, but they do give up a ton of points, and that's really what matters.
3) (1-6) Cleveland Browns: The Browns nearly snuck in as number 2 because they have one more loss than the Jags or Chiefs, but there's actually some semblance of life on that team. They're young, so maybe one of the 12 bajillion players they've drafted with the picks from the Julio Jones trade will become a difference maker? Nah.
4) (1-5) Carolina Panther: Panthers, there's this crazy thing called "Defense" that's going around right now. You might want to look into that. You might also want to try running the ball since you have 3 solid running backs and your best players in the passing game are a 5-foot-9 thirty-three year old with anger issues and a disgruntled "star" QB.
5) (2-4) Detroit Lions: Last year was no fluke... The Lions do have a terrible defense and an injury prone QB with no running game to support him. In a pass-first league, it's worth considering adding a player in the secondary every now and then. The Lions don't seem to get that.
6) (2-4) Oakland Raiders: They're moving down this list after a dramatic win. Amazing what happens when you play the Jaguars, isn't it?
7) (2-4) Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Yeah, I got nothing... Anyone want to tell me why the Bucs are this bad? What's that? They allow 400 yards per game? Oh.
8) (3-4) Tennessee Titans: How did they jump a 2-4 team in the Saints? By allowing 34 points a game and having a -89 point differential. They'll start sliding pretty soon, though. Matt Hasslebeck >>> Jake Locker
10) (3-4) Buffalo Bills: Fitzpatrick is Fitzstinking and that defense isn't any better. Still a -59 point differential. How do they have 3 wins?
11) (3-4) New York Jets: Oh right. The Bills play this bunch of losers twice a year. Jets are too old, too overhyped, and have Shonn Greene as their best choice for RB or WR. Tim Tebow is the best Punt Protector in the game for what that's worth, (nothing).
12) (3-3) Indianapolis Colts: I bet they wish they'd put some effort into building their defense over the past couple of years. With Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis disappearing before our eyes, they'll have nothing left by the time next year rolls around. They fell to 12 because of Andrew Luck. Lucky bastards.
13) (3-4) Cincinnati Bengals: I thought they would be one of the league's worst teams last year. That didn't happen. Now, they're just a middling team with a top-5 receiver in AJ Green and a whole bunch of meh.
14) (3-4) St. Louis Rams: How did they make it all the way down here? Good for them.
15) (3-3) San Diego Chargers: Their three wins are over the Raiders, Titans and Chiefs. Don't buy in.
16) (3-3) Dallas Cowboys: Over-Rated *clap clap clapclapclap* They are what they are. You could basically pick their matchups based on whether the team they're up against is higher or lower on this list.
17) (3-4) Washington Redskins: RG3 has them almost at .500 on the year. How does he do it? By handing the ball off, like, all the time. Seriously, they're 3rd in rushing attempts and 1st in rushing yards. That's a lot for a team that's not in the habit of playing from ahead. Think about that next time someone talks about how RG3 is such a great QB.
18) (3-3) Miami Dolphins: They've actually scored more points than they've allowed this year. Only by three, but still.
19) (3-3) Philadelphia: They are only this far down the list because of their "potential." Fans will say they look great "on paper," and I can't disagree. My fantasy team has done great with Philly. Of course, they're 3-3 for a reason. Still haven't fixed that defense.
20) (3-3) Pittsburgh Steelers: If I had to compare the Steelers' season to a movie it'd be "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World." Because Ben Roethlisberger is fighting everything that moves just to make plays and that once proud defense has been downgraded to "cartoony." Say goodbye to this team as a perennial Powerhouse.
21) (4-3) New England Patriots: Speaking of teams that are no longer powerhouses, the New England Patriots. It's nice that they're above .500, but they are only there because their division is a mess. Tom Brady and Wes Welker ain't what they used to be and their defense is overrated. Sad to see those two go.
24) (4-3) Arizona Cardinals: The Cardinals are starting to look a lot like the Seahawks as this season goes along. Mostly because their QB situation includes a combination of Kevin Kolb and Josh Skelton.
25) (5-2) New York Giants: Do we really think the Giants are a top 5 team? Yes, their offense is explosive, but they're 24th in total defense and the only team who allows more yards per play than the Giants are the Saints. PU.
26) (5-2) Minnesota Vikings: I guess the Vikings are for real... Crazy, huh? Will still probably the worst of the 5-2 teams by the end of the year.
27) (5-2) Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens have two losses in a weak AFC. Injuries on defense are going to catch up with these guys quickly.
28) (4-3) Green Bay Packers: Back where they should be. Well, actually they should be 5-2 (thank you replacement refs) but after 9 TDs and 0 INTs in the last two weeks, Rodgers doubters feel stupid and the defense is back to laying the smack on people.
29) (5-2) San Fransisco 49ers: Powerful defense, powerful running game. Teams might be catching on to Alex Smith, though.
30) (6-0) Atlanta Falcons: Plenty of people are going to ask how an undefeated team isn't the least impotent team in the league. Well, they've yet to play a team above .500 and their last three wins vs Carolina, Washington and Oakland were all within one score. Not to mention who they beat out...
31) (5-1) Chicago Bears: #6 in yards allowed, 20 turnovers in 6 games (+13 Turnover ratio), and 5 defensive touchdowns. Not to mention a top-5 running back in Matt Forte and the Jay Cutler to Brandon Marshall connection. These guys are for real.
32) (6-1) Houston Texans: Any talk of "the Texans haven't been tested" got blown out of the water when they absolutely DESTROYED the Ravens on Sunday. The Texans just mopped the floor with the only team that could chase them in the AFC. Game over.