11:00 A.M., Bud-Lite Radio Studios (Secure, undisclosed location)
ANNOUNCER: Bud-Lite presents, "Real Men of Genius" (Reeeeeaaal Men of Geeeeeeeeniiiiiiuuuuuuussss!) And today we salute you, "Mr. The Jaguars should trade for Tim Tebow Guy!" (Mr. The Jaguars should trade for Tim Teeeebow Guyyyyyyyyy!)
You claim that if he's picked up in a trade, that - ****KNOCKING ON RADIO STUDIO DOOR****
::::MUSIC GRINDING TO A HALT:::::
VOICE ON OTHER SIDE OF DOOR: Ganguli's reporting from multiple sources that the Jags are interested, and are in negotiations to acquire Tebow in a trade.
ANNOUNCER: Well what am I supposed to do with this spot, then? WOKV was going to run it during Drive Time tonight!
VOICE ON OTHER SIDE OF DOOR: Legal's approving a new version as we speak. Should be here any time now. Go have lunch, and we'll text you when we're ready to go!
1:05 P.M., Bud-Lite Radio Studios (Undisclosed location)
ANNOUNCER: Bud-Lite presents, "Real Men of Genius" (Reeeeeaaal Men of Geeeeeeeeniiiiiiuuuuuuussss!) And today we salute you, "Mr. The Jaguars would never trade for Tim Tebow Guy!" (Mr. The Jaguars would never trade for Tim Teeeebow Guyyyyyyyyy!)
Your smug, blind faith in a GM who doesn't believe in Division I schools has caused -
PRODUCER: Hold on.
:::::MUSIC WINDING DOWN, AGAIN:::::
PRODUCER: He's been traded to the Jets.
ANNOUNCER: The Jets?
ANNOUNCER: But what about Sanchez?
PRODUCER: No one's really saying anything yet. I'm guessing they're either looking at Tebow as a "Slash"-type player, or they'll see how things fall out in training camp.
ANNOUNCER: Hmmm. What about this *bleeep* spot then?
PRODUCER: One of the writers just texted me and said they're working on new copy to get to Legal. Wanna run downstairs to the brewery and grab a cold one?
ANNOUNCER: Absolutely! Never had so much trouble trying to record a freaking commercial in my life!
3:57 P.M. Bud-Lite Radio Studios (A
Secure, undisclosed loca-- room upstairs in the Dunn Ave. Brewery)
ANNOUNCER: Bud-Lite preshentsh, "Real Men of Geniush" (Reeeeeaaal Men of Geeeeeeeeniiiiiiuuuuuuussss!) And today we shalute you, "Mr. The Jaguarsh are idiotsh for not trading for Tim Tebow Guy!" (Mr. The Jaguars are idiots for not trading for Tim Teeeebow Guyyyyyyyyy!)
BACKUP SINGER: Um, hey the rhythm on that is choppier than the chefs at Daruma Steakhouse. Can we do something about that?
::::SOUND OF POWERED AMPLIFIER BEING UNPLUGGED WITHOUT BEING TURNED OFF FIRST:::::
PRODUCER: Listen, Amadeus, you're paid to sing what the writers write.
BACKUP SINGER: Yeah, I know, but I was gonna use this on my demo tape...PRODUCER: You wanna go argue with the writers and walk new copy through legal, be my guest.....AFTER you sing the *bleeep* take! Capise?
BACKUP SINGER: [Mutters] I went through 3 and a half years of majoring in voice at Stetson for THIS?!? [More loudly] Yeah, whatever. Can we start over?
ANNOUNCER: [Muttering] Diva.
BACKUP SINGER: Listen, you inebriated, over-paid parrot! I trained for YEARS to -
:::::Announcer is imitating the Backup Singer, using his bare hands as puppets:::::
PRODUCER: Wait a second before you strangle each other, guys. There's been a snag.
:::::Sound of a pin dropping to the studio floor, followed by the universal cartoon xylophone sound for blinking one's eyes :::::
ANNOUNCER AND BACK UP SINGER TOGETHER: S-shnag?
PRODUCER: Yep. Something about language in the contract involving recapturing signing bonus money if Tebow is traded.
JACK DEL RIO: Actually, as Denver's new Defensive Coordinator, I put in a good word for Jacksonville and convinced John to give Moustache Man another chance to be swind- er, deal!
PRODUCER, ANNOUNCER AND BACK UP SINGER: And just how in the *bleeeeeeep* did YOU get in here?!?
JACK DEL RIO: Are you kidding? I've been here, sneaking samples 40 hours a week since Wayne fired me on his way out. I haven't even shown up to work in Denver yet!
PRODUCER, INTO HAND-HELD RADIO: Security.....
TERRENCE KNIGHTON, CHEWING A CELERY STICK: Yes?
:::::STUNNED SILENCE FROM ENTIRE ROOM::::::
TERRENCE KNIGHTON: What?
::::Del Rio takes advantage of the confusion and dashes out the studio door::::
TERRENCE KNIGHTON: Yo, Jack! Wait up! Got any Twinkies?!?
:::::DING! The Producer's text alert goes off.:::::
PRODUCER: Says here that the Jags are back in negotiations for Tebow...
ANNOUNCER: *BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE [due to the family nature of this website, a transcription of the Announcer's six minute, fourty-three second rant cannot be printed here. Suffice to say it involved political, religious, anatomical and physically impossible references and suggestions directed toward Shad Khan, Gene Smith, Tim Tebow, Tim Tebow's entire family tree, the entire coaching staff and front office of BOTH the Denver Broncos and New York Jets, and (somewhat inexplicably) NBA Commissioner David Stern. The unedited rant may be found in full on Alfie Crow's Twitter feed.]EEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!*
PRODUCER: Hello, Doris? Can you phone down to the guys in the brewery and tell them we're gonna need a lot more beer up here?