JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA - A young fan (who is a clearly Jaguars fan and not a English Soccer fan and if any of you mongoloids calls this yellow journalism so help me I will report you to Joseph McCarthy) weeps violently in what appears to a shroud devoted to his former team.
NEW YORK - Reports surfaced today from the National Football League offices that the Jacksonville Jaguars have announced that they will be moving at the end of the 2012-2013 football season. The move is amid years of speculation from those around the league that Jacksonville could not be a viable market to hold a professional sports franchise.
In an abrupt, yet unsurprising, decision, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced that the Jaguars will be moving multiple locations including both planned locations in Los Angeles, CA; London, England; Oklahoma City, OK; Quebec, Canada; Tokyo, Japan; Boise, ID; and Des Moines, IA.When asked about the viability of a multiple city team, Goodell noted that "with advances in neuroscience and nanotechnology, the league’s biochemists and robotic engineers developed ways to allow the Jaguars to play in each city simultaneously, thus maximizing our profits and making up for years of lost revenue for having the team in such a depressed market."
The office of Idaho Governor Yancey Mayfield released a statement regarding the move: "Idahoans everywhere are rejoicing with the news of our state’s first professional team. Our residents cannot wait to see the Jaguars play in either human, holographic, or automatonatic form, or the like!"
The mayor of Quebec, Francois Roy, shared in Mayfield’s excitement. "Nous sommes heureux d'amener le football au Québec," said the Quebecois mayor.
Also, Commissioner Goodell announced that the team will also be playing one game a year on the moon. "We had the idea after Newt Gingrich announced lunar colonies as America’s next great frontier. We would like to enter the moon market to expand our fan base intergalacticly. I spoke with [MLB Commissioner] Bud [Selig] and he and his league are too vetting the possibilities of zero gravity play." Commissioner Selig was not immediately available for comment.
Residents of the moon showed signs of exuberance at the announcement. "We shall conquer the American football with our advanced laser weaponry, nerds" said Ignignokt, before being interrupted by his miniature, purple friend, Err, who said "Yes, on the moon nerds get their pants pulled down and they are spanked with moon rocks!"
When asked how the new technologies allowed players to perform in multiple locations, Goodell said, "We provided an unholy sacrifice to our Lord Xenu in return," which at this point NFL public relations director Michael Plante escorted Mr. Goodell to an unmarked car and confiscated all recording devices held by the media.
Jacksonville residents responded with mixed emotions, today.
"All of this would have never happened had they kept Tom Coughlin," said Jacksonville resident Tom Wilson. "Good riddance," added Wilson prior to passing out drunk atop of the rusted dryer in his front yard.
The local media spoke out against the move. Longtime sports reporter Sam Kouvaris showed his disbelief. "I, as well as Swisher Sweets, cannot believe the audacity of this franchise. All we can do now is sit back with the summer's hottest cigar, Swisher's Black and Tan, and watch the inevitable."
The mayor of Jacksonville showed optimism in light of the announcement. "We will rebuild and we will have professional sports franchise again," said Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown while inspecting downtown parking meters for loose change. "Yes, yes indeed."
The Jacksonville Jaguars did not respond to repeated requests for comments, though reports of owner Shad Khan towing Everbank Field behind his luxurious yacht, the Kismet, have surfaced prior to publication of this article.
A former employee of the Jaguars, on the request of anonymity, told the Big Cat Country that the move will be paid for in full by the daily fines assessed during the holdout of franchise running back, Maurice Jones-Drew. Additional costs for the move will be withdrawn from a player-funded pool based on non-celebratory touchdowns.
When pressed for additional information, the unnamed source advised that he was late for a meeting with his boss, John Fox, and promptly ended the call.
The Jaguars have left the city of Jacksonville reeling over the abrupt departure, leaving only two championship minor league sport teams to fill the sports void.
UPDATE 8:03 PM: According to court filings, the city of Jacksonville has filed for welfare assistance from the state. The city listed assets of United States Court House, seven working bridges, Limp Bizkit, and the Bolles School football program. With reported dependents of over one million, the city could receive billions of dollars in aid from the state.