New Draft rule instated: You HAVE to pick a QB in the first round

This is a great and amazing idea for many reasons. The first reason and also the last reason is that we can stop talking about value and steals at the QB position past the 1st round. Everybody will no longer bitch about passing on Russel Wilson. Nobody will grind their gears about Gabbert... ok this is a lie everybody will still complain about everything. Who cares.

But did you know that there are more quarterbacks this year than sad bearded guys at an Iron&Wine concert? That's right, delve deeper, past Geno Smith, past EJ Manuel, past Mike Glennon's head, 1 more mile, past Mike Glennon's neck, and you'll find some real gems.

Kern McButterson, MIT (Municipal Institute of Typing)

A sabermetrics expert, this kid with the horn rimmed helmet visor and pocket protector glued to his jersey has wowed scouts with his impressive football IQ. He never actually threw a pass in college so he’s quite raw but the potential is there to be developed. Scouts and commentators alike were wowed to discover that he didn’t even study for the Wonderlic. Injuries have been a concern ever since the infamous “paper-cut” incident his junior year, but with a good o-line and receivers who don’t mind cutting back and forth within 5 yards of the line of scrimmage while he makes his calculated reads of the defense- this guy could go far.

Matthew Mark Lukjon, Alaska Bible College

Great leadership on-field and off. His tremendous character would be a boone (boon? boun? böøn? to any locker room. There are some mechanical issues that will need to be worked out plus he just has no experience in a pro-style offense and also his arm is kind of a noodle, but somebody should pull the trigger on this guy. He will just get everyone pumped up and on board with his incredible leadership and character.

Chubso Tarly, THE Missouri Fry School

Sure, sure, he was Missouri’s biggest baby back in ’91 and he refuses to tell anyone his weight in anything but stone (25 stone? what?) confusing GMs everywhere. But you just can’t sack the guy! He’s like the blob. He is the blob. His only touchdown was when he tripped over his stomach and bounced over his O-line into the endzone vs. Piccadilly Culinary his sophomore year. He’s got arm strength… or at least arm size… so he’s worth a look if you’re picking towards the tail end of our All-QB 1st round.

Roderick Jaynes, West Philadelphia Rabbinical School

He had a great freshman year where he threw 30 touchdowns and 2 interceptions but since then production has dropped off and scouts are raising their eyebrows in skepticism. Some blame poor defensive play, having to force the ball while playing from behind, yada yada, but come on! I like a guy who was good as a freshman and you tell me I’m living in the past? He goes to rabbinical school! 6000 years of beautiful history from Moses to Sandy Koufax, you’re damn right I’m living in the past!

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