CIRCLE UP NEPHEWS
BY UNCLE CHAPS
Greatest offseason ever or just the best offseason that the Jaguars have ever had? I'd say it's a toss up between the two. "But Uncle Chaps, why do you think it was so great? It's not like we got a better quarterback, WR, DE or anything. Hell, most of us still don't know exactly what a LEO is." True. Valid points. But we got rich in areas that we were dirt road poor last season. Just remember...
Last year we were still trusting in Gene.
Last year we had a dude actually named Mularkey as "Head Coach."
Last year our players were actually required to keep their helmets in a straight line.
Last year we really believed that Blaine was going to be something special. Wait.
Let's do a little recap of what happened during this "dead space."
We tracked flights. We thought we knew who the GM we wanted was. We thought we had the guy picked out. We also thought that we might get a quarterback connected to that bro. We then learned who the GM would be. We then picked out the Head Coach that we thought would be connected to Dave Caldwell. We were wrong, again. We found out about Gus Bradley. We speculated about who we would target with the 2nd pick. Everyone was wrong again. We were mad and then we were happy.
We dealt with London, tarps, Tebow, found out about swimming pools, helmets, uniforms. We got a new logo which some people thought might be a girl.
We dealt with Jagwhyers, found out about Fulham, ditched the Jagpies (sorry Alfie) and are now lockstep with the front office for the first time in years.
We actually believe in our owner, our gm, and our coach. We are closer to this regime than any other team in the NFL.
They invite the most loyal of supporters to their practice and the owner has mentioned us from press conference. We are getting closer and closer to a dedicated section of the stadium.
Most importantly, winning is in the air. It might still be a season or maybe two away but for the first time in six seasons, we might be close to being back.
What to look for in our tailgates? Beer, nephews, chants, Duval things, nieces, and being rachet as hell. Look for Jackson DeVille to circle-up. Look for the Hooligans board to claim a few. Look for us to be standing up. Look for the Uncles. Say hello.
Duval 'til we die, indeed. Walk softly, scream loudly, and carry that big swinging teal dick.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
THE BUBBLE GUYS WHO MADE THE SQUAD!
Jordan Shipley, WR Kyle Love, DT Antwon Blake, DB
Chris Prosinski, S
Lonnie Pryor, FB Asterisk, kinda Andy Studebaker, LB
And they say the first cut is the deepest. Chris Prosinski made the team. So we'll at least get to photoshop him getting hurdled a lot, I guess.
Ricky Stanzi, QB
He’s no Jordan Palmer, but I believe in Ricky Stanzi. Ricky believes in America, NAY, Ricky Stanzi IS America! The pride of Iowa! The archetypal American man! He came to the Jaguars from the Kansas City Chiefs, so we might be able to get some additional intel for Week 1. Or, he could be a double agent, feeding information to the Chiefs and trying to subvert the Jaguars from the inside. NO! That’s impossible. Ricky Stanzi is America; he wouldn't do that to us. This isn't Homeland. We’re rooting for you Ricky. You are an American hero! We love you.
Andre Branch, DE
Nicknamed "Windmill" because he’s from Holland, Andre Branch tries to …hold on. I mean it’s ludicrous to think that Ricky Stanzi is Nicholas Brody, right? Just because both hold the appearance of loving America unconditionally, doesn't mean Ricky is Brody. So what if they both appeared from out of the blue? It doesn't mean that they are the same person. Utter nonsense.
Alex Smith, QB
No to beat a dead horse, there couldn't be a reason why Ricky Stanzi is a traitor. He's an honest, hardworking, pure bread American football quaterbacker...unless...that's what the Kansas City Chiefs want us to believe. NO! Absolutely not! Even if it were true, the plot to Homeland has a second individual who was presumed gone forever that, all of a sudden, came back. Luckily we don't have that. Or...
Dwayne Bowe, WR
OMFG LONNIE PRYOR IS TOM WALKER AND OMG RICKY STANZI IS NICHOLAS BRODY AND WTF ANDY REID IS ABU NADIR AND THEY ARE PLANNING AN ATTACK AGAINST THE JAGUARS!!!! NO ONE CAN BE TRUSTED. We had that issue with the Jaguars playbooks being leaked. We missed something that day, we won’t, CAN’T, let that happen again.
Tamba Hali, ROLB
Here’s the plan BCC community: I will seduce Ricky Stanzi. I will take him to my parent’s cabin and make sweet, sweet love to him, all the while trying to break him and ultimately thwart Andy Reid’s evil plan. I will need someone to have sex with Ricky’s hot wife. I’ll let you decide amongst yourselves who is best suited for that. We will break Stanzi, and we will capture Andy Reid. And if we fail, NO! Failure is not an option, BCC!
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
BY ADAM STITES
MAKE IT BLAINE
Or don't...but actually please do. Sometimes Blaine Gabbert tricks people into thinking he's good. Sometimes he does things that make you think that whole "draft bust" label might be premature. Week 1 in 2012 was a pretty good example of that after he threw what should've been a game-winning touchdown to Cecil Shorts III.
Something like that could happen from Blaine in Week 1 of 2013, or it might not. It's kind of impossible to tell with a player that is as unpredictable and hard to truly get a gage on than any player I can remember.
LET'S GET DENARD-ED
How are the Jaguars going to use their fifth-round pick? That's never really been a question asked by many, but this year there are so many options for the team's "Offensive Weapon." Will he be used on special teams? As a running back? As a receiver? As a passer? At all?
The Jaguars have given him a little bit of everything in preseason, but you shouldn't be surprised at all if Jedd Fisch had some tricks up his sleeve for the regular season. I'm ready.
We'll be outchea
Nothing says "RAWR!" to the ladies like a jaguar-print jumper. Never mind that it may be nearly 90 degrees outside at kickoff, you suffer for style. Here's a hint: Gold Bond. /winks
Treh´ here is modeling the jumper without shoes, but I'd suggest wearing at least socks because bare feet get dirty and it's a safety hazard.
Besides being stylish, this jumper is functional because of the included hood and has an odor-reducing liner!
Nothing makes the ladies jump like a jaguar-print jumper!
BESTEST CASES / WORSTER CASES
1. The Jaguars lose! - One more step towards #Tank4Teddy! and #Flop4JohnnyFootball!
2. Blaine Gabbert finally looks like an NFL starter! - Hooray! We have a QB!
3. The Jaguars win! - /pops champagne /pops champagne /pops champagne /forgets there are 15 more games in the season
1. The Jaguars lose! - A long off-season of hope is dashed and Jaguars fans switch from beer to bleach. #ShuldaDraftidTebow
2. Blaine Gabbert finally looks like an NFL starter! - WELP. GUESS WE DON'T NEED TEDDY BRIDGEWATER OR JOHNNY FOOTBALL!
3. The Jaguars win! - Trust me. Jaguars fans will find a way to poop on a Jags win. Here's a preview: "WELL, DA CHIEFS AIN'T DAT GOOD ANYWAY!"