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A Personal Message to Jerry Porter: Get a new agent...NOW!

 Guys... I don’t know where to begin here... this is insane.... What is Jerry doin'!

 I mean c'mon man; you are a professional athlete... What are you doing making second-rate, grade-B, stock-room footage for an underwear commercial involving some d-bag who wants to play around with you in briefs!!

 I mean tighten up man!


Jerry Porter recently took part in a Hanes promotional event that yielded no small degree of painful-to-watch comedy. Much like Kerouac’s Dean Moriarty, this chap Dave travels across the country, bringing an optimistic everyman joie de vive to a hodgepodge of quirky locales. Except Dean Moriarty didn’t challenge quasi-celebrities to see who can put a pair of underwear over their clothes the fastest. This is Dave…

As if this whole “guys playing underwear games” didn’t lend enough of an air of fruitiness to the proceedings, Dave’s decision to groom an imperceptible speck of something from Jerry’s brow took it to a whole new level.

Jerry says he “probably won’t” win, but he’s “not going to lose.” I have no idea what that means. At the risk of spoiling the ending: Jerry cheats– a skill learned with the Raiders– in order to win– a skill not learned with the Raiders.

A final look at the scoreboard shows that Dave has four wins against eleven losses. We presume this means Dave is now mathematically eliminated from the Underwear Race Playoffs.

If you feel you simply must see the whole thing, here it is: