This week in sports (comedy style)

Things have been pretty bland around the NFL with no offseason to speak of and no new developments in sight. The complete lack of serious news has pushed me to write on some, shall we say, not-so-serious developments around the sports world. So here it is, sport by sport, the dumbest stuff I've seen this week.

In the NFL: Several groups have released statements about the lockout. Here are the one-sentence explanations:

NFL Coaches Association: "We support the players."

NFL Coaches: "What the heck are you talking about? That's not true."

NFL Owners and Players: "We're working on getting this new CBA as fast as we can."

NFL Fans: "What the heck are you talking about? That's not true."

I spent many hours thinking of the best way to get a cheap laugh out of Novac Djokovic's name. I decided that ideally, Chris Berman would be showing highlights of a Djokovic victory and after the final point yell "Is Novac gonna have to Djokovic!?" If only...

I love those Russians, even though they screwed us by making their alphabet unrecognizable to those who speak most Germanic languages. You see this --> A <-- It's called an "A," and it makes the sound "ah." We got 26 letters just like it, and none of them look like hieroglyphics and sound like a mouthful of marbles.

Spelling Bee:

Let's play a new game. Spell "Sukanya"

"Sukanya? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"The fourteen-year-old girl who has a vocabulary 100 times the size of the average college student and managed to win the Scripps National spelling bee is named 'Sukanya.' "

"Uh... S- U- C-" *buzzer*

Serious question though, do we consider spelling bees to be sports? I mean, this has to be the second weirdest thing I've ever seen ESPN call a sport, second, of course, to the World Domino Championships. Don't believe it exists? See for yourself.

Racing:

Unfortunately, racing is still considered a sport by most people. There is still some fun stuff happening around racing, though the actual races hold no appeal to me.

Kyle Busch got arrested for driving 128 MPH on a 45 MPH road. I got a "super-speeder" ticket for going 85 miles an hour on the highway once. Imagine what he's gonna get for going 85 miles an hour over the speed limit. In his defense, the caution flag wasn't out...

There was also a front page article in the Times-Union about NASCAR driver Brian Vickers skydiving into Daytona Speedway. Really? A guy who's job it is to drive a metal deathtrap in a circle at about 200 miles per hour is also a risk-taker in his personal life? And that's front page news? It's just a good thing that a guy who's day job involves semi-regular car accidents and requires him to wear a flame retardant suit isn't risking his life to do something stupid...

Basketball

Football fans like to refer to offensive linemen as "the big uglies." The NBA finals look like they're gonna be all about the big uglies, too. And by "big uglies" I mean Dirk Nowitzki and Chris Bosh. Bosh is 6'10 and looks like a Predator and Nowitzki is a 7 footer who looks vaguely like a Werewolf in the middle of transforming. I think Bosh was key to the Heat beating the Bulls, and Dirk has been an absolute monster for the Mavs.

The series is tied 1-1 and the Mavs have taken home field advantage from the Heat. The big three only scored 75% of the Heat's points instead of the usual 85-90%, so I guess now they're playing "team basketball," right? They had a 15 point lead on the Mavs, but got outscored 22-5 in the last 6 minutes of the game to lose by two. I... actually don't have a joke for that. I just personally enjoyed seeing the Heat lose a game they really should have won.

Baseball:

I used to have the Onion bookmarked as one of my favorite sites. This article about Buster Posey getting clocked at home plate makes me wonder why I don't anymore. Fabulous.

Anyways, that's all I got. Tip your waitresses. I'll be here all summer.