Late November, 2011
Deep in the bowels of Everbank Field...
: So Gene, have you heard anything about this new owner?
: Sigh, not really, Mel. Sigh, I heard he's from somewhere...
Sigh, somewhere desolate and barren and devoid of decent football.
: Great, he has diminished expectations!!! He's from the Middle West!
: Sigh, if that's what you want to call it.
: I hope he doesn't hate football. Years of Ron Zook will do that to you...
: Sigh, it's funny you should mention Ron Zook....
<CRASH>
: ASDAKHSKZOOK!!!! BWBWKEBWKJEKWJ!!!
: wut?
: Sigh, it's the humidity. Sigh, sir, you need to adjust the mask.
: /fiddles with mask DO NOT MENTION THE ZOOK! HE HAS SULLIED BOTH THIS STATE AND MY HOME STATE OF ILLINOIS!
: Sigh, Mel, I'd like to introduce you to our new owner, Bane Khan.
: It doesn't matter who I am... What matters is my plan. No one cared who I was until I put on the mask. And amassed a vast fortune. And became a noted philanthropist. And bought an NFL team
: There's a reason why this stadium is the worst hell on earth... Hope. Every fan who has ventured here over the years has looked up to the lights and imagined climbing to the Super Bowl. So easy... So simple... And like shipwrecked men turning to sea water from uncontrollable thirst, many have died trying or fired and sent to Denver, same thing.
: Sigh, you're right. What do you want me to do?
: As the Jacksonville Jaguars terrorize the NFL, I will feed its teams hope to poison their souls. I will let them believe they can survive so that we can watch them clamoring over each other to "stay in the playoff race." You can watch me torture an entire league and when you have truly understood the depth of your failure as a GM, we will fulfill Jaxson de Ville's destiny... We will destroy the NFL and then, when it is done and the rest of the league is ashes, then you have my permission to die and go to St. Louis. Or Arizona. Or Oakland.
: Sigh, ok.
: /adds TVs to stadium concourse /builds new locker room /installs new stadium sound system /hire Mike Mularkey /restores hope to city
: JAGUARS FANS, TAKE CONTROL... TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR TEAM. BEHOLD, THE INSTRUMENT OF YOUR LIBERATION! BIG CAT COUNTRY! IDENTIFY YOURSELF TO THE NATION! TROLL SO-CALLED 'EXPERTS' VIA TWITTER! EMBARRASS THEM TO THE POINT THAT THEY FEEL OBLIGATED TO CALL AM RADIO SHOWS ON WEEKENDS! LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!!!!!
Meanwhile, in New York....
: Bane Khan must be stopped! He has made a mockery of our analysts Heath Evans and Micheal Lombardi, whoever he is... It's time we make a call to our man in Jacksonville....
In an equipment closet in Everbank Field....
: Commissioner Goodell needs my help! He has activated the RonP Signal!!! /brandishes beeper
: I'm here to rescue you from Bane Khan, Jacksonville!
/door opens
: Ron! There you are. Have you seen how the damn offensive line has been playing? No wonder Blaine looks like a puppy crossing an interstate out there. Go coach 'em up, Ron!
: I'm not Ron... I'm.... RonP!
: Whatever man. Coach your line up. I don't want to wind up in Los Angeles or London or Shanghai or wherever Florio has us moving this week.
: Sigh.