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Fireside with fire and the enemy

Deep inside the headquarters building of BCC, I texted with longtime terrible person JDotLeezy and asked him some questions. I copied and pasted his response below. Let me be clear, I think that he was lying in this interview. Most of it isn't true at all.

Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

UC 1. What are you wearing?

JDOT: I'm unsure at this time. I woke up sort of confused and half numb because I slept on my arm weird. I put on pants, but they are backwards. I think what I have on is a shirt, but some might say it's more of a culotte. I dont think it goes there. 

UC 2. That was probably a lie. Do you regret it?

JDOT: It's hard to regret anything, really. Sometimes lies are necessary. Like if your wife comes home and finds you face down on the kitchen floor surrounded by rainbow sprinkles, is it really best to tell her the truth? That you were making reverse snow angels while only eating the green ones? No. You have to lie and say that you were making some ice cream and dancing to Whitney Houston when you got too jiggy and fell down. Believable shit.

3. How can you go through life without being a Jaguars fan?

Maybe I am one, you know? Science says that when you look in the mirror, you never know if you are the reflection or not. So really, maybe we are all Jags fans and we haven't realized it yet. I follow a lot of Jags on Twitter, I have a new beard, and I drove through Duval county this one time, so why not.

4. Broncos are the worst?

I don't think so. I like em pretty OK. Theyre far away and it gets p. cold there, but sometimes they play in all orange uniforms that are awesome. They hired Jake The Snake Plummer for a while, too, and that cant be denied.

5. Do you think the Jaguars will cover the spread with invisible points or actual points?

Sure, the Jags haven't won a game yet. Hard to dispute that, because it's science. But what folk don't realize is that while the Jags may not have any officially recognized wins, or very many scientifically backed points, they lead the league in the most important of stats, Secret Points.

After each game, the Jags offense sneaks back into whatever stadium they are currently being awesome in, and they run plays with each other. Generally, they score pretty fast. This generates Secret Points. So why, you are probably asking yourself, don't more teams know about this, and therefore score their own Secret Points?


He brought the secret over with him from the Far East, and installed it into the Jags' helmet technology. As a Broncos fan, I'm ready to see Elway be fired for not knowing about Secret Points. Sure, games, regular seasons, division titles, and super bowls are what the "traditional" teams are aiming for, but Secret Points is all about transcending football, and the Jags are on it, boy.

Sometimes, security at the stadiums tries to shut things down, talmbout "you cant do that" and "son of a bitch this is too awesome and we can't understand it so we hate it right away". Understandable. But this never works, because Blaine just looks into their eyes, winks, and blindly tosses a back shoulder fade to MJD who tears into the endzone for another helping of delicious Secret Points.

Secret Points is winning, and winning is what the Jags are doing. Secretly. With Points you don't even know about.

6. You guys drafted Tebow?

Some say we did. Others say that he Ascended to us surrounded in a holy light. Of course, when he came floating in and tried to land his missed his spot by about 4 yards and to the left. He was on the team, either way. He sat behind Kyle Orton, who really, based on neck beard alone, should be on everyone's team at the same time. Tebow played some games because eventually Orton was forced into the shadows out of beard envy. People put up bill boards. Crazy times.

7. Is Mile High a misnomer? What does that mean?

Legend has is that the field where the Broncos play is a mile high. No one really knows how high that is, though, because have you ever seen a measuring tape or measuring stick that goes that far? I haven't. I've seen yard sticks, but I dont think they can measure miles. I mean, you have to flip them end over end just to get further than 3 feet, and how can you make sure you are accurate?

8. What does John Fox say?

Not much of anything, really. He's pretty stoic on the sidelines because Peyton does most of his job. He's more there as a sort of grandfather coach that hands out gameballs and slips Werther's Originals into your locker. Occasionally, though, he mumbles "peytie-peytie-peytie-throw"

9. Why didn't you draft Peyton Manning? Why did you wait so long?

Why not?

10. Is Von Miller in jail?

He is not. He is, however, reportedly in some sort of containment chamber meant to hold things much stronger than him. They took away his weed and he got kinda angry, so they had to hold him back for around 6 games. Theyre letting him out next week though, which is nice of them. Heard it was because of good behavior.

11. What's the best pun in the Broncos world?

The Oakland Raiders

Anyways, despite what JDot says, we can win this game. All it takes is a little imagination. 

Pure Imagination (via Chaps McNealy)