"You didn't think I knew what a eugoggaly was?"
BY UNCLE CHAPS
Blaine Gabbert. In a word, can't-sum-him-up-in-just-one-word. I'll never forget the first time Blaine Gabbert was my quarterback. We were backyarding it in good ole Missouri. We were playing 3 on 3 and Blaine was the all-time quarterback. He chuckled as he ran to the huddle. Our eyes met. Our voices rang out together "GO LONG!" "JINX LOL!"
We get to the line and Blaine yells, "HIKE!" I sprint out of my perfect stance and head straight down the field. It was a go route, son. As I get 3 yards down the field, I look back and see Blaine scrambling for his young life. Blonde, perfect hair flying everywhere. The defensive line was up to two Mississippi. Blaine knew they could rush the pocket in just eight short seconds. He dumped the ball off to Billy the Squid Dick who immediately went out of bounds. It was a play fit for kings.
It wasn't just me that saw Blaine's potential. He was offered a scholarship (payment to players for making the school millions of dollars. It's a very fair deal) to play QB at the university of Missouri. His final year in college he finished a respectable 46th in Heisman voting which caused him to skyrocket up draft boards. Blaine impressed scouts with his ability to run in a straight line for 40 yards, throw while wearing shorts, bench press actual weights, and write on a whiteboard.
The Jaguars drafted Blaine and now here we stand. Sad. Real sad. Saddest. Most Saddest than we have ever been. Gone. Who will lead us now?! WHO!!?? Who will Greg Jones get targets from? Who will say "whoa there mother fu€¥er!" Who will seemingly be injured by freak accidents every other week? Who will give us false hope? Chad, probably.
Prediction: 26-19 Jaguars
Blaine Gabbert (2011-2013)
We gather here to today to not mourn the loss of a quarterback, but to celebrate the career of a one time hopeful Jaguar.
Drafted Thursday, April 28, 2011, went to be with the bench on Sunday, October 6, 2013.
Blaine Gabbert was brought to Jacksonville by the late Gene Smith in the spring of 2011. Once touted as the consensus number one overall pick, Blaine faltered from his days in the Combine and relegated to the sidelines, joined in kind by America.
If there was one thing we can say about Blaine, it’s that his head held his flawless blonde quaff with a perfect mixture of grace and beauty. Hair, being one of the seven tenets of a great quarterback, proved to be Blaine’s sole strength.
Would the congregation will please rise and join me in a call and response. The words are printed on the backside of your bulletin. Let us begin:
@JagsTom: "Is the end the end for one or the beginning for most?"
CONGREGATION: "JUST AS SOLOMON HEEDED THE WORD OF THE LORD, SO SHALL OUR PROPHETS DAVID AND GUS GUIDE US WITH WISDOM, STRENGTH, AND KNOWLEDGE."
@JagsTom: "Will darkness bring forth light?"
CONGREGATION: "LIGHT COMETH FROM THE VISION THOSE WHO SEEKS TO BRING US FROM THE DARK AGES AND INTO A TIME OF RENAISSANCE."
@JagsTom: "Can the dark tunnel, from which we wander, provide hope for those lost souls whom exercise faith without condition?"
CONGREGATION: "AS IT IS STATED IN THE BOOK OF SHAD, ‘GENERAL DAVID SHALL PURGE THE TEAM OF UNDERPERFORMING WORKERS, AND HE SHALL FIND THE COMMANDER OF OUR OFFENSE THROUGH THE COLLEGE DRAFT; AND WE SHALL NO LONGER BE THE SEEKERS OF LIGHT, BUT SHALL BE THE LIGHT.’"
You may be seated.
Let us celebrate Blaine’s career by reciting some of his accomplishments during his short tenure in Jacksonville.
/silently stares at stat sheet
Best we stay positive in this somber hour. Blaine always spoke of his love of throwing things. Be it footballs, parties, other sporting objects, Blaine kept a smile on his face at all times. Well, that whole 'Blame Gabbert' thing didn’t seem to make him too pleased with the coaching staff. Surely he couldn’t have enjoyed the media constantly proclaiming him as ‘scared’ and 'fragile'. Huh.
Um.
It’s best that we continue on our ceremony with a song of remembrance. Will Elton John please make his way to the front of the Big Cat Country sanctuary…
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
BY ADAM STITES
HAIR
With no game ahead of him, Blaine will truly be able to display his hair at maximum efficiency on Sunday without a helmet. Will he slick it back? Will he part it down the middle? Headband? I don't know, but I'm ready to find out.
He could always disappoint us by hiding that glorious hair under a hat...yeah, he'll probably disappoint us by hiding his hair under a hat. Move along.
#BLOCKEDBYBLAINE
Aren't we all? If you've said anything to Blaine on Twitter, odds are you've joined the tremendous amount of fans unable to see his riveting feed. Have I been blocked? No. I've also never sent a tweet with @BlaineGabbert in it. I'm scared to.
More importantly, my heart has been blocked. I dove head over heels for a young man with beautiful hair and a huge arm. Where do we go from here? Can I love again?
wut 2 where
BY BURRITOBROSSHITS
YARRRRR MATEY IT BE TIME TO GO CATFISHIN' IN DA ST. JOHNS RIVERRRRRRRRRRRR!
My old shipmate Casper here be wearing the proper gear to catch the catfish that be infiltrating the locker rooms and bedrooms of NFL and College Football players in recent times.
It's our civic duty to catch catfish, lest our players become ensnared by said catfish, look like complete fools, and basically become the laughing-stock of the sports media world.
Oh, it be a whale-of-a-tale that has befallen the poor lad from Notre Dame.
For he fell for someone that was Not-a Dame.
Sea-shanties be sung in notorious water holes, like Hooters and BDUBS, bemoaning the fate of poor Manti T'eo and that harpy Lennay Kekua....
Aye, that Taylor Swift don't have shit on that Lennay Kekua. Her beguiling smile. Her wonderful voice. The fact that she don't exist....
Aye I bet Manti T'eo be feelin that he is stuck on the poop deck of life after falling for a voice messaging service.
The Captain of the Costa Concordia probably laughs at Manti T'eo and thinks he's negligent. So too be the skipper of ye old Exxon Valdez.
Yarrrr 'tis a poor man that gets catfished...
Yarrr
SEE YOU AT THE CROSSROADS
BY BURRITOBROSSHITS
So in closing, we were gathered here not to mourn the passing of our starting QB on the depth chart, but to celebrate his accomplishments, though they may be few and far between.
Who can forget the five victories he led our intrepid Jaguars to in the span of three seasons?
Who can forget how courageously he blocked all of his detractors on twitter? CAN'T BLOCK MY SHINE, INDEED!
Who can we forget how he slayed the Beach Bars every weekend? Actually, he still does that so I guess that should be forgotten because Lordy the ladies love a quarterback no matter how po-
BUT ALAS, POOR BLAINE..... We hardly knew ye.
Your locks so golden waving in the air, much like your ill-timed passes...
Your sullen stare as you stood on the sideline, remembering the past series' missteps....
Your curiously skittish gait as you ran from defenders that your poorly-tuned senses picked up...
We shall miss ye, Blaine Gabbert of Missouri.
Jaguars Forever. Forever Jaguars.
Farewell sweet prince...
Your place in the Pride of the Jaguars is secured. Just wait a few decades. Joe Zelenka gets in before you.
