I see London. I see France. I see your underpants.
BY UNCLE CHAPS
The Jaguars flew across the Pacific Pond to play against the Super Bowl defending champion San Francisco 49ers. We here at Big Cat Country would be remised if we did not deliver you a virtual tour of sorts to the festivities taking place.
The Jaguars flew to London in the Tebow Mobile, also known as Virgin Atlantic Airlines, and were right in the lap of luxury for the the jump. After they landed, the Jaguars quickly made it through customs and the KGB were very friendly in their methodical search for foreign fruits and vegetables.
This trip was not all about the game. The Jaguars are going to be experiencing the sights and sounds of the London nightlife in order to escape the riggers of chasing the playoffs.
First up was a trip to the Louvre museum where literally millions of pieces of art are kept inside a perfectly round glass ball building. If you haven't seen the Louvre, I recommend that you pull that puppy up on the newly formatted Maps on OS Maverick. Be sure to check out the footage of the museum on Uchi's google glass page.
Next up, a trip to the glorious Victoria Falls. Known as the Niagara Falls of South London, these falls are cot damn huge. Blaine Gabbert will not be going to the falls. He is the gear guard and will be staying back at the hotel despite being completely and 100 percent healthy. Seriously. Nothing is wrong with him at all. He just is not playing or going with us anywhere. Ever.
The highlight of the trip has the been the fine restaurants that the team has reserved. Noted television personality and racist Paula Deen made the trip with the Jaguars and is getting along swimmingly with the local soccer hooligans. Paula wanted to be clear that she saw absolutely knowing wrong with the Atlanta Journal Constitution's tweet from earlier this week.
Brad Meester has developed a slight English accent while he was here and Ricky Stanzi finds it hilarious that he attempts to dap up people twice when any cashier says "that will be 2 pounds."
As for the game, the Jaguars are an overwhelming favorite playing on their home turf. I cant wait to hear 80 thousand folks scream "DUVVVAAALLL" with those accents. Everything sounds better with a British accent. Right now, say "You had sex with my dog" in your American voice. Now say it with your british voice. Much better, right?
Jaguars win 15-Love.
Langston Hughes, Englishman
"A Blaine Deferred", a poem
What happens to a Blaine deferred?
Does he stay aside
like a waterboy on the bench?
Or stand like a man--
And then fret?
Does he fidget like a child in church?
Or moan and complain a lot--
like a teenage girl with her mom?
Maybe he just blankly stares
like a comatose patient.
Or does he explode?
Victor Hugo, Another Englishman
In early October 2013, English playwright Victor Hugo chronicled the Jaguars abysmal situation at quarterback in his instant classic, The Miserables. Shortly thereafter, Russell Crowe, for whatever damn reason, was cast to play the lead, John Vanjohn, in the movie adaption of the book. Here is his song...
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
BY ADAM STITES
CRAVEN COTTAGE THOUGH?
A chance to play in London is awesome for the Jaguars. There's just so much culture and opportunities to bring in new fans. But does it really make sense to play in front of less than 26,000 fans?
I googled "Football stadiums in London," but all the pictures show soccer stadiums. Do you see goalposts anywhere?
With Shad Khan's ownership of Fulham F.C., I get the logic behind a game in the team's home stadium, Craven Cottage, but is the cross-promotion really worth sacrificing that much attendance?
Until London is more interested in football and not futbol, maybe the Jaguars should branch out elsewhere to a place that has a stadium capable of hosting an NFL game. I'd be curious to see the numbers that Justin Blackmon and Cecil Shorts III could tally on the 110-yard fields of Canada, but maybe that's just me.
LONDON DIET
By the time Week 8 rolls around, players get into a rhythm. They practice at the same times on the same days and they have a strict diet.
Needless to say, their rhythm will be shaken in London. Particularly, the diet of players will be put to test overseas.
Spaghetti, lasagna and pizza. That's a lot of carbs right there. No bueno.
I'm not worried about the Paul Posluszny-type guys on the team. I'm sure a savvy, veteran linebacker like that packed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. No, it's the young guys that I'm worried about.
On a team with plenty of young players, that's something to keep your eye on. The last thing they need is to get their stomachs out of whack before a big game with a grande plate of ravioli.
FORTUNE FAVOURS THE BOLD
BY BURRITOBROSSHITS
London is the City of Lights.
Known for it's cuisine, the shining beacon of London's culinary scene is Sbarro's. Ah, Sbarro's... The signature dish of this fine establishment is an especially delicious version of England's favourite dish: Pizza.
Paying for things in London is tricky. Don't bring your Dollars to London, senior. They're no good there. England doesn't even use the Euro either. No, London's currency is the Kilo which coincidentally is a measure of mass as well as form of money. Kilo of what? Who knows.
London is calling. Considerably sunny, its climes are arid and dry. One ought to wear shorts and sandals of the finest quality when visiting London. Cargo shorts are de riguer.
London is the birthplace of the Fanny Pack. Created by Fanny Packer, these incredible pieces of luggage are crafted to carry everything one needs. A must if visiting London.
Musically, London is incredibly diverse. The birthplace of dubstep. UB40 is also from London. Your mother loves UB40. Everyone's mother loves UB40. .38 Special once played in a London during a world-wide event benefiting those afflicted with bunions.
London is close to Russia. Thus, no one can drive. The safest way to travel in London is to ride a horse or steal a subway, not the sandwich, but the underground railroad.
The London Jaguars are a new addition to London. However, football is not new in London. During the Blitz, Bear Bryant single-handedly saved London by forcing the RAF to implement the Tampa 2 Defense. Roll Tide. Go Jaguars.