Draft Advice

Over the past few years the draft talk has gotten even more involved. If you are like many other NFL fans, and I am assuming that you are because you are reading an NFL blog in the off-season, you feel the stress. It is wearing on you. Should we take Geno, Ziggy, Dion, Jarvis, Star and on and on and on. These types of thoughts can only lead you to one place. That place is Diarrhea Island.

I've had nonstop diarrhea for 3 years. Just an unbelievable amount. I can eat toast and I would have the dark watery wonder. I preload pepto every morning. It's part of my routine. Wake up, pee, diarrhea, brush my teeth, and take medicine to prevent more diarrhea. Doesnt work. Why? The Draft. So to help you out, I am going to give you some remedies to relieve your butt ache.

1. Baby wipes, ya bish. Keep these handy. Nothing says painful butt like using toilet paper 23 times a day. That walk that you do after you leave the Walmart stall isnt a good look, bruh. People know what you were doing in there. Carry a little resealable container of baby wipes. Your ass will be whistling Dixie.

2. A cold compress. I like to place a wet rag inside the refrigerator to get nice and cool. After several sessions, place the cool compress on your bum. Tweet a few tweets. Relax. Take your time. Allow the coolness to soothe you.

3. A hair dryer. Sometimes, like a baby, your ass will get all rashy because there is too much moisture. Put your wife's or husband's (ladies this is for you too) hair dryer on the cool position and blow that air all over your butthole. Instant relief.

4. Finally, if you have a really bad case, you can use Dermoplast. This stuff is awesome.

This will flat out cool your achy butt like you wouldn't believe. I swear by it. Just one spray and you will be walking it out like how you see William's sister at Wimbledon. Struttin that ass like a youtube video. When you go to Walgreen's to pick this stuff up, tell them Uncle Chaps sent ya.

Good luck with your butts and go Jaguars.