It’s no secret that the talent in this draft class reeks of tepid mediocrity like a sub from Jimmy John’s. This draft class is both terrible and bad, and, since the citizens of the internets have not coined a succinct term for those two adjectives, I am but forced to coin one myself: terriblebad.
Since this terriblebad draft class would not suit a rebuilding team like the Jaguars, David Caldwell and Gus Bradley should focus their efforts on acquiring as many picks in the 2014 draft. Here’s how:
- The Oakland Raiders are too in rebuilding mode, but with their current cap situation, they need to make a splash without spending money. That’s why the Raiders will trade their 2013 and 2014 #1 overall picks and their 3rd round selection to the Jaguars for the Jaguars’ 2013 #1 overall pick. They will acquire Western Virginia QB Geno Smith.
- We will then parlay the Raiders’ former 3rd overall pick and trade down with the Arizona Cardinals for their 2013 #1 overall pick and their #1 overall pick in 2014. The Cardinals are in need of a good tackle to protect Carson Palmer, and they will select Eric Fisher.
- The Jaguars will then trade Arizona’s pick with the San Diego Chargers, who will select Tavon Austin. San Diego will give the Jaguars their 2nd round pick from 2013 and their 1st round pick from 2014.
- We all know Bill Bellichek is a hoarder of picks. His A&E profile will air on May 23rd. The Jaguars will package their 2nd, 5th, 6th, and 7th round picks, Oakland’s 3rd round pick, and San Diego’s 2nd round pick for New England’s 1st round pick in 2014.
- Who wants a running back? Jaguars trade Maurice Jones-Drew to the Carolina Panthers for their 2014 1st round draft pick.
- Who wants a tight end and tackle? Jaguars trade Marcedes Lewis and Eugene Monroe to the Cincinnati Bengals for their 2014 1st round draft pick and for Reggie Nelson. Wait, what?
- Minnesota will probably just forget to draft at their position anyhow, so the NFL will just award the Vikings 2014 1st pick to the Jaguars out of pity.
- It’s no secret that Bud Adams has gone a bit off his rocker. He decides early Thursday morning that the only players that may play on the Titans squad are players that have last names beginning with the letter “A”, at all costs. Jaguars trade Russell Allen, Tyson Alualu, Bryan Anger, Mark Asper, and Andre Branch to the Titans for their 2014 1st round draft pick. (Andre Branch was accidentally included in the deal because the HR system for the Jaguars had his first name last and last name first. He will be cut by the Titans immediately following the transaction).
- The Buffalo Bills need a quarterback, therefore they will trade to the Jaguars their 2014 #1 overall pick in return for Chad Henne. Hell, this worked in 1997, why not again?
- It’s clear that the Buccaneers are willing to play loosy goosy with their 1st round picks. To help with Revis Island, the Buccaneers trade their 2014 1st round pick to Jacksonville for Chris Prosinski. Oh Buccaneers.
- The Cleveland Browns’ owner, Jimmy Haslam, is currently facing legal issues with the IRS and the FBI. He’ll need the best legal team known to man. Therefore, the Browns will trade their 2014 #1 and #3 overall picks to the Jaguars for recently hired lawyer, Megha Parekh. Parekh, pictured somewhere, will not only defend against the rebate scheme, but will also successfully countersue the plaintiffs for related damages.
- Seattle’s hubris will be their downfall, after their ego boast when picking Russell Wilson in the 3rd round last year. The Seahawks confidently trade their 2014 1st round pick for the Jaguars 3rd round picks in 2013 and 2014. Seattle will select quarterbacks in each year.
- Fuck the Colts. We’re taking their 2014 1st round selection. What you going to do Irsay, tweet about it? Fuck you.
- Shack Harris has oodles of love for his former draft picks. As the personnel guy in Detroit, the Lions trade their 1st round pick in 2014 for Derrick Harvey and Quentin Groves. Harris is immediately fired.
- Stephen Ross is all about the glitz and glamour of football. With high profile celebrities like J-Lo investing in his team and poor performance at the ticket office, he’ll need a bigger gimmick to draw fans in. The Jaguars will trade their most famous Jacksonville residents, Fred Durst and Wes Borlan, for Miami’s 2014 1st round pick. John Otto will not be traded, due to his ability to take music to the Matthew’s Bridge.
- We all know that the mortgage crisis got America into a deep recession, but it’ll get the Jaguars into prime position for the 2014 draft. Here’s how: Chicago, Washington, both New Yorks, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Green Bay, Atlanta, Denver, Dallas, San Francisco, Kansas City, Baltimore, and New Orleans all have made large investments signing or resigning free agents these last several seasons. Though the teams have put faith in those prospects, the risk of one or all of those being busts still are in the minds of the decision makers for those teams. The Jaguars will enter into derivative contracts that state if the named prospects are cut before the 2025 season, the Jaguars will compensate the opposing team with their draft #1 pick in 2025 or a later year, and if the player is still on the roster, the Jaguars will receive all the other team’s draft picks in 2025. Not bad for the other team, right? Wrong! The Jaguars will then go into the open market, wrap the derivatives with mortgage-backed securities, and sell the new securities to investment houses, who will in turn wrap those securities into broader, Eurozone-backed securities, and sell them to your grandma. The Jaguars will then turn around and short the derivatives created by the other investment banks and, once the Cypriot government collapses under the weight of its own debt, the Eurozone securities, and by extension the original derivatives, will be worthless. As the banks and investment firms collapse, we would be entitled to 98 draft picks in 2025. Being that the original party to the securities (the opposing team) is now facing litigation from the estates of the big banks and your sweet old grandmother, they are willing to immediately settle out of court with the Jaguars for an undisclosed amount of current draft picks (a 2014 #1 draft pick each). Your grandmother will end up being penniless and probably have to move in with you, causing your precious Pokemon card collection to smell like death and potpourri.
- Gus Bradley slaps Jeff Fisher like the bitch that he is. Jaguars receive the Rams 2014 1st round pick.
- Houston is the lone holdout. It’ll take a whopper of a deal to get them to trade with the Jaguars. The Jaguars offer their 2015 1st and 3rd round draft picks and a bottle of Cole’s Black Jack BBQ Sauce in exchange for the Texans 2014 1st round draft pick and the palettes of unsold Tony Boselli Texans jerseys that are sitting in a small office that the college interns share in Houston. They’ll graciously accept that offer.
There you have it. A simple way for the Jaguars to get all of the first round draft picks in 2014. Feel free to comment below with your gratitude regarding my superior draft stratagem.