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CIRCLE UP NEPHEWS
BY UNCLE CHAPS
Welp, this is the week to end all weeks. First of all, let me be clear and say that I am flat out embarrassed for Oakland fans. They cant even get enough people to fill their stadium that they had to tarp ENTIRE sections off? For shame. Might as well move them to London. Anyways, NFL analyst the world over have ranted and even raved over the majestic roster of the Jaguars and the Raiders. Two top-tier teams battling it out for supremacy for the right to gain the first overall pick in the NFL Draft. The best team in the NFL is given an opportunity to peer into the Chamber of Secrets and pull out it's very own heir to the House of Goodell.
The 2008 Jaguars were the best team in the history of the NFL. After falling short of the Quidditch World Cup, they put both of their offensive lineman into the Ring of Honor. Those two Hall of Famers will be starting for the Raiders this week at Beater. Both Seekers this Sunday will be running for their lives as the offensive line for both teams resembles most "clubs" outside of Camp Pendleton. Easy access to the goal; the goal does stink.
Braxton Miller or someone that played at Ohio State (it could be Troy Smith) will be starting at Seeker for the Raiders. Albert Breer is geeked.
Bold Prediction: If I were the Jaguars I would not be utilizing Josh Scobee. It has been well documented that since Al Davis' death in 1987, he has been unfairly using the Dark Arts to manipulate the results of games. I have seen multiple highlights were Al Davis, in the shape and form of a dementor, pushes the field goal attempts of the opponents wide and to the right. Al Davis the Dementor is no match for the wizarding skills of Shad Khan. Shad, as you may know, has a scar in the shape of a lighting bolt below his mustache. Mr. Khan is much more humble (please read with the softest of "H" sounds) than Harry Potter. Chad Henne will finally be out of the cupboard under the stairs and be in the position to claim his title and receive the fame that he so rightfully deserves; as a result, Jaguars win 32-17.
ACCIO VICTORY!!!! CONFRINGO LAST WEEK!!! CRUCIO RAIDERS FANS!!!
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BY JAGSTOM
Blaine Gabbert, Clipboarder
If Sheriff Buford T. Justice were to slip and fall face first into a pile of manure, this would be the expression on the Bandit's face. Welp, the tables have turned. Assistant to the QB Blaine Gabbert now gets to stand on the sidelines with his own smug sense of satisfaction, watching Hennestache set the record on Sunday for most times sacked in a single game (and possibly the season record too). Satisfaction will eventually turn to horror at the realization that he would experience similar pains again, so find Blaine on the sideline ripping the stitches out of his hand to prolong his injury. Another week of cranking it with the visiting team hand in lieu of constant bombardment by the Seahawks is a small price to pay.
Eugene Monroe, RT
Monroe took to Twitter Thursday morning and proclaimed that he was about to "smash" the weight room. Big Cat Country has compiled a list of other great moments in Jaguars smashing history:
1) Summer 2011: Ninja Harv smashed the parking gate during training camp with his orange Hummer, the vehicle of choice for stealthiness.
2) August 1997: LB David Gallagher smashes QB Lawrence Watermelon for a 7 yard loss. Watermelon was subsequently removed from the game with a mild concussion. Only the front 5 got splashed with Watermelon's succulent brain matter.
3) Preseason 2005: Jesse and The Rippers performed during halftime. Jesse owned the highly successful Smash Club, and fuck you if you think this is forced, but I wanted to squeeze in at least one Full House reference on this site.
Marion Hill, LB
The Raiders are mostly known for Al Davis being Al Davis, but did you know that they have a storied history on the small screen? In the Late 90s, Al Davis wrote and directed a sitcom starring former Raiders linebacker, Marion Hill. Short on cash and unable to play football due to injury, Hill is forced to move in with a single mother and her two kids. Let's watch Marion introduce himself to the family and see what type of hilarity ensues!
Carlton Banks, Shameless TV Crossoverer
LOLOLOLOLZ That was HILARIOUS! I can't believe Al Davis didn't receive critical acclaim for that witty exchange. In this week's episode, guest star Carlton Banks convinces Marion to bet against the Raiders on Sunday. Will Marion's bet that the Jaguars will win pay off or will he lose his life savings? Set your VHS recorder to UPN, Fridays at 8 in 1995!
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
BY ADAM STITES
HENNE ON THE ROCKS
Is Chad Henne better than Blaine Gabbert? No. Can he be on Sundays? Yes. The biggest difference between Henne and Gabbert is that Henne will hurl a ball into traffic just to see what happens. He may or may not have his eyes closed when doing so.
Against the Texans it worked great as he tallied 354 passing and four touchdowns. Against other teams it didn't work out so well. So...who knows?
RUN MJD
The Jaguars couldn't do anything on offense in Week 1, yet Maurice Jones-Drew, arguably the team's best player, was given the ball just 15 times. I'd expect he gets the ball more in Week 2, but will it matter? The run blocking by the offensive line, as a whole, was terrible against the Chiefs.
Lucky for the Jaguars, the Raiders aren't the Chiefs. While they were somewhat impressive against the Colts, they allowed an average of 6.4 yards on 12 run plays directly up the middle. The Jaguars ran 16 of their 23 runs against the Chiefs up the middle, but gained only 3.1 yards per carry.
BESTEST CASES / WORSTER CASES
BY BURRITOBROSSHITS
BESTEST CASES
1. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......
2. Ummmmmm.............
3. How about a sustained drive with a couple first downs?
WORSTER CASES
1. Do you really want to think about this?
2. I mean really do we want to go there?
3. It could get worse. A lot worse.