FanPost

19 Things We Could Have Done Instead Of Build Shad Khan's Scoreboards

Richard Dole-USA TODAY Sports

Let's exercise our imaginations for a minute: What if taxes didn't exist? What if Shad Khan didn't literally rob us in our sleep? What if we spent $43 Million on the rest of us?


On its face, the deal Shad Khan made was absurd, so absurd that it drew the mockery of a comedic television host, in jesting format. As a Jacksonville native that at least has a high school degree, I am internally convinced that I have jurisdiction over what necessities should be purchased with my tax dollars. I am not afraid of backlash, I am not afraid of being incorrect. I technically have never been wrong in my entire life. My friends and family have spent countless hours feebly attempting to describe to me exactly what a 'bed tax' is, but I can see right through it. It's propaganda that I have sensors for. Just because Shad Khan artificially raises the price of mattress store amenities does not mean I have to be okay with letting a mustachio'd scoundrel hurt my feelings, and my wallet.

But the underlying criticism is the same: Tax dollars helping the rich man get richer.

Corporate welfare (if anyone could actually inform me on what corporate welfare means, in Webster's terms, I would be very grateful.)

Let us exercise our strong minds for a moment. What if tax restraints didn't exist? Actually, what if taxes didn't exist? What if money didn't exist, and we all lived off of the land? We could start a possible new civilization based entirely on purchasing goods with leaves and sticks. Imagine that. That's crazy. What could $43 Million dollars buy? Technically speaking, quite a few things. However, I do not believe in technicalities.

I have a few ideas - things that I think would make Jacksonville a better place to live and work and raise a family. Bear in mind I know exactly what nearly 900,000 people would want.

This is a sports town. I get that. But the fact is, while the scoreboards will give Jaguars home games more revenue to actually put toward the city, they won’t do much to improve the city’s overall quality of living. Maybe, in the afterglow of Khan’s infamous "blow up the stadium just for fun" celebration, it’s worth thinking about what could have been. Our friends at Folio Weekly had some solid ideas, I think I'd like to expand.

1. Turn Jacksonville's Streets Into Actual Golden Roads. I can't sit here and legitimately price out how much it would take to pave Duval's streets with liquid gold, but I know for a fact it would be prettier and more well-received than two giant flat boards that literally nobody cares about. After purchasing and re-watching 'The Road to El Dorado' I am convinced that this civilization is actually possible. The $43 Million is just a drop in the (golden) scheme of things, but it's hard to turn down such vivid imagery.

2. Build A New Dog Park For My Dog Tilly. Tilly is a petite, hypoallergenic Yorkshire Terrier who's as feisty as she is adorable. However, the issues lie in her confidence. Her slightly-larger-than-a-Chihuahua frame does not give her much barking power against the larger, more terrifying breeds of Jacksonville, Florida - such as the sudden surge of abrasive Dachshunds that snap at my Tilly. This is definitely not a waste, either. Tilly is basically part of my family. She really does think she's a person. You should see her in bed! Sometimes I put my reading glasses on her little snout. She doesn't need reading glasses or anything, it's just cute and I like to post the pictures to Facebook.

3. Build Another Courthouse. As a Jacksonville native, I respect the crime rate. I don't go outside past 4:30 PM, and I definitely don't let me kids attend public school. However, with another court house, wouldn't we have to worry about crime just a little bit less? Maybe even $43 Million dollars less? An expensive billion dollar courthouse has kept my family safe, and leaving the older courthouse up has definitely kept crime at a minimum, but I know for a fact I'm not the only one who wouldn't be opposed to even more crime regulation in the form of a Neoclassical architecture column explosion.

4. Build Two Cheaper Courthouses Instead Of Just One Expensive Courthouse. I actually just thought of this. Stop me if this sounds crazy, but imagine if the city bought TWO $21.5 Million courthouses instead of just ONE $43 Million courthouse. I'm feeling safer by the second! Jacksonville should really consider tearing down the billion dollar Courthouse and building a bunch of smaller $1 Million courthouses.

5. Purchase Toilets For Every Person In Jacksonville. I can't tell you how many times I have visited friends or seen a homeless person without a toilet. Honestly, I'm disgusted. With $43 Million you could easily afford porcelain thrones for every single Jacksonville resident, home-applicable or not.

6. Buy Better Players. I would rather Shad Khan spend his "hard-earned" money (THAT'S a joke!) on better players on the team! And why spend money on uniforms? I would let the players wear pink tutus if it meant they would win! Am I the only one here who likes to think about the big picture? This team is in shambles.

7. Replace Shad Khan's Arms With Robot Arms And Legs With Robot Legs. I had a dream about this the other night. It was post-apocalyptic Nevada, and the only water we had left was in a ravine east of the Las Vegas strip. The entire civilization we knew was crumbling before us, and I was dying of thirst. However - Shad Khan came into sight, mirage or not, and carried me to the source of refreshing hydration. I believe we should replace Shad Khan's appendages with robotic appendages just in case this ever happens. $43 Million should be more than enough.

8. Build 6 Or 7 More Mellow Mushrooms. I am not exactly convinced that Jacksonville can survive through the winter without a Mellow Mushroom on every corner. We just added one in record time in the Avondale area, why can't we build them for everyone? Tourists downtown would love stopping for a slice. In fact, build 5 downtown. Continue building Mellow Mushrooms until the pizza market collapses upon itself.

9. Build A Street-car Line From Downtown To 5 Points. Never-mind that nobody uses Downtown's own monorail system, we need to build one twice as long. I'm sure that pouring possibly $43 million into this track system would mean that people would use it. Also ignore the fact that it takes nearly 20 minutes to drive anywhere.

10. Pay For A Public Educational Course To Explain Taxes And Funds. I personally know that I do not need to take this course, because I'm smarter than the government and everybody in Jacksonville. However, I respect that some people do not understand the real way money is spent in our city. Especially the "bed tax" lie. Bed tax, as described, is a marking up of prices on local mattress stores. If you read the illegal to remove (this is true, I went to jail for 3 years without bail) tags, you can see that within the confines of the small print are hidden messages from Khan, possibly a member of the Illuminati.

11. Build A Water Park (And The World's Biggest Water Slide). That would be awesome! What were we talking about again?

12. Better Libraries. The Main Library downtown is a beautiful sight, but I have to say that I am not impressed with the literature selection within the walls. Where exactly are my late 1990s-early 2000s Twist magazine selections? I am at a severe disadvantage with speaking with my gentrification neighborhood when I don't arrive home with the newest 50 Shades of Grey.

13. Build The World's Largest Courthouse. I know I previously mentioned the courthouses, but I think we should spend the $43 Million on additions to the billion dollar courthouse. I am tired of googling "world's largest courthouse" and not seeing my beloved Jacksonville on the high end. The entire city should be a courthouse.

14. Sign Tim Tebow To The Jaguars. As I'm also a legitimate tax strategist, I am also a devoted "football man." Just look at the facts. Tim Tebow has a Heisman Memorial Trophy, and how many Heisman trophies do the Jaguars as a whole have now? Zero. Tim Tebow is literally 100% better than the Jaguars (in Heisman statistics) so why not sign him? Why not? Why not? Why not? Give him the entire $43 Million. I don't care. I'm actually crying.

15. Hire A Bunch Of School Teachers Instead Of Paying The Deserving Workers Currently In The System More Money To Make A Living Wage For Being Honorable Humans And Teaching Our Children. We need MORE teachers. We don't need to pay the ones we have more money. That would be irresponsible and honestly reckless.

16. Establish Colonies On The Moon In The Same Vein As Newt Gingrich. We in Jacksonville need to be looking at the big picture. Sure, you could probably see the scoreboards from the moon - but how can you see the boards from the moon if there is nobody ON the moon? Colonies I assume would be moderately cheap and would take a few weeks to build at most.

17. Hire More Police To Arrest Street Artists. Have you ever been walking down the street - maybe downtown, and seen a mural spanning the entire street-facing wall of an abandoned building... and been utterly repulsed? I am tired of seeing "beautiful" art pieces and "artistic engineering" of our city. I would much prefer having an abandoned building, maybe the Ambassador Hotel stay up and watched by police instead of turned into a public art forum. I'm retching thinking about it. We need these "progressive" men and women off of our streets.

18. Invest In Downtown. Actually, we should probably be doing that anyway with the money from our pockets to keep businesses and downtown market share alive. We don't need Shad Khan's money. It's been years, people.

19. Buy Out Folio Weekly. With $43 Million, I'm sure we could find a use for the magazine. No more spreading biased and unintelligent propaganda about our city and it's expenditures, including the incredibly gracious and charitable Jacksonville Jaguars. The previous owners, the Weavers, have donated tens of millions of dollars into the city - not to mention bringing the team here to begin with. The Jaguars also give dozens of children without beds at home places to sleep, build homes for the homeless to live in for free, and yes - have their OWN charity foundation in the name of the Jaguars Foundation. Maybe with $43 Million, we could get Folio Weekly and it's very... very vocal readers to understand. This is our city, this is our team, and you're just part of it. We all are.

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