I Know What Happened In The 2015 Jaguars Season

Andrew Weber-USA TODAY Sports


I won't be watching any Jaguars games this year.

Why, you may ask?

Other than the fact they haven't been good since 2007?

It's simple: I've already seen the 2015 season.

"But how?"

Good question. You may not believe me, and I understand completely if you don't, but....

I'm a time traveler. I was given the ability quite recently. I don't really want to go into the details of how I gained this ability, but I'll just say that I never want to look at a waffle taco again. I used this power in ways I think most people would.

First, I went forward in time by 10 years to see if Detox--an album Dr. Dre has been working on since 2001--was ever released. It wasn't. In fact, future Dr. Dre got a degree in medicine and is now known as Dr. Dr. Dre, which is pretty confusing, if you ask me.

Second, I did a bunch of personal recon, like checking to see if future-me is really buff and strong. I wasn't. As I began preparing to move back into the present time, disappointed by future-me's non-buff and non-strong body, he told me that I will regret sending an email titled "You got the stuff?" to Barry Bonds in 2017. I thanked him for his warning, and returned to the present.

Feeling overwhelmed with sadness from my first two discoveries, I turned to an old friend: the Jaguars. I figured checking out the 2015 season early would end in two scenarios: one where my sadness turns around and the Jaguars give me hope for the future, and another where my familiarization with sadness would soften the blow of a bad season. I was wrong. I was met with...a mixture of the two scenarios.

Some of you may have a lot of questions, and some of you may not even believe me, and like I said before, I completely understand. I'll try to break this into parts so you can fully comprehend what I learned.

Questions you might have:

Who was the first round draft pick of 2015?

This may shock you...

What happened to Justin Blackmon?

Justin Blackmon got back on track and became a top athlete in 2015.

Did Blake Bortles get better?

Reduced the sacks

Did the biggest Jaguars signing, Julius Thomas, work out?

Nothing without Peyton

What kind of year did Paul Posluszny have?

He had a really exciting year.

Who Was the First Round Pick of the Jaguars in 2015?


Bask in the Sunshane Rays

While some people thought the Jaguars would pick Fowler, Beasley, or Leonard Williams, The Jaguars took Shane Ray at pick three. Shane Ray was met with mixed reactions. He played his first game in the last game of the season, as that was when he finally finished the 3 cone drill.

What Happened To Justin Blackmon?


Justin Blackmon A Top Athlete Again

A lot of people didn't think Justin Blackmon would return to relevancy, and he set out to prove them wrong. After being cut by the Jaguars in training camp for not being in their preferred shape, he set out to have one of the greatest Major League Eating seasons in history. Despite turning his life around, Justin Blackmon was suspended for the 2016 season for Driving Under Indigestion.

How Did Blake Bortles Progress?

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Sacks reduced greatly

Blake Bortles developed a ninja doppelganger technique to confuse defenses, which gave him a lot more time in the pocket. However, despite the extra time in the pocket and reduction in sacks, his mechanics were still pretty bad and he still missed routine 5 yard slants.

How Did the Biggest Jaguars signing, Julius Thomas, work out?


Literally nothing without Peyton Manning

Julius Thomas had a really disappointing start to the season, having 0 catches in the first 4 games. However, the Jaguars realized the problem was that he's literally nothing without Peyton Manning, so they took some of Manning's DNA and made a Siamese pimple resembling Manning on the side of his face, which allowed him to catch 20 touchdowns in the final 12 games of the season.

What Kind of Year Did Paul Posluszny Have?


He's a hero

Paul Posluszny joined the army and singlehandedly defeated ISIS. His contribution to the world inspired many, and a movie was made about his exploits. Shortly after defeating ISIS, he put an end to mass incarceration in America, cured world hunger, and became president . Despite all of these awesome achievements, he still gave up 20 yards per attempt to opposing tight ends.

That's all for now

Time traveling is exhausting. I didn't want to spoil the entire season for you guys, so that's all I can share for now. Who knows where I will travel to next. Maybe I'll go to the past and see what happens if I tell Gene Smith to stay away from Blaine Gabbert.


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