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From The Front Desk: Roasts, wrecks, obituaries, and more from Week 1

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NFL: Jacksonville Jaguars at New York Giants Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome to the first installment of From The Front Desk! Here we break down the latest in team happenings. Let’s get right to it.

Local man runs 41 yards to try new stadium concessions

What’s cookin’ good lookin’? Not much, unless you’re at Everbank TIAA Bank Field Club Arena Hibachi Grill Stadium. I’m sure you’ve heard by now. There’s going to be new concessions at The Bank for the 2018 season. However many, including myself, are skeptical of the new items. Surely we’ve had a history of good concessions to fall back on in case there were ever ANY doubts...

Yikes! I wonder what the demand for these concessions will be. There are some interesting dishes on there, including items like jambalaya, buffalo chicken or pulled pork mac & cheese, monster pizza, and street tacos. I did a little investigating of my own, and camped out in front of the stadium to get a feel for the demand. I must say, I was impressed.

I always find that people are at their best when times are at their worst. Photo taken by Phillip Heilman

The same man pictured also happens to be a local food critiqué, and his opinion is worth following. Here’s what he had to say on the new concessions:

I managed to dig around and find footage of a local Jax Beach man running at a breakneck pace to be first in line for the new concessions. Unfortunately some dude named Keelan- probably a townie- heard and insulted his weight.

Someone please @ me on Twitter and prove how horribly wrong I am when the chef inevitably reads this and prepares delicious concessions. You’re welcome!

Obituaries: Week 1

Merriam Webster defines a roast to mean absolute flames directed unto a person or entity, but I define it to be:

Congrats Ryan Day for winning the Week 1 ROTW (Roast of the Weak). Your prize is a gym date with Leon Jacobs. Speaking of which:

In Jesus’ name we pray, amen.

Speaking of Jesus, it’s looking like the Titans will need divine intervention to get through this season. I’m officially putting a dagger on their playoff hopes after reading this tweet. Yes, it’s Week 1. Yes, I’m injecting this tweet into my veins.

It’s okay y’all, just drown your sorrows with mayo.

Wreck of the week

This section is partly inspired by its namesake, for whom I’m going to award first: Ereck Flowers. Imagine seeing a 6’-8”, 290 pound behemoth and thinking this:

Oh wait, you thought it couldn’t get better? This is the rep he’s talking about:

And that’s all she wrote, folks. If you want to make me laugh or have ideas for another category, tweet me with your terrible takes. Let’s make this a weekly thing and make this season fun. Lord knows we could use more of Lenny’s Instagram stories.

Sent from my iPhone