Oh Mighty Mayo Mavericks!
I, and the rest of Jaguars fans, tremble before you all in hopes of amending what was once a peaceful relationship. I know you’re upset at one of your own desecrating your sacred idol. We’ve documented footage of the incident and distributed it to every tailgating Jaguars fan with the hopes that this’ll never happen again.
If you'd told me at Harvard that I'd be getting paid to judge a mayonnaise belly flop contest at a Jags tailgate, I woulda said... perfect pic.twitter.com/293JE7dGkZ— Francis (@francisbarstool) September 17, 2017
However, we come before you with the hopes that you’ll show us some mercy. We’ve been 0-4 against the Tennessee Titans since this video, including losing to them on that very day.
Here are some solutions we’ve come up with to lift the curse:
Baptizing Marcus Mariota in the tears of Telvin Smith.
Malik Jackson massaging Jurrell Casey’s arms after he bats down a pass.
Blake Bortles donating his facial hair to Blaine Gabbert.
Mike Mularkey coming back to coach the Jaguars one last time.
*Ed. Note: I shuddered at that last suggestion.
Alternatively, here are some upgrades we’ll install in your holy temple at Nissan Stadium should you deem it more appropriate:
A kissing booth featuring Jeff Fisher’s mustache.
An all-you-can-eat Mayo dessert bar.
A library featuring old copies of the Jaguars 1999 playbook.
99-yard fields, making it easier to score in case that remaining yard is just out of reach.
I hope these ceremonial offerings will be enough to satisfy you, oh holy one. We ask that, in return, you grant us release from this dreadful curse and a win over the Jets this coming Sunday.
In the name of the ketchup, the relish, and the holy Mustard, amen.