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5 questions with The Falcoholic: What’s the historical equivalent of 28-3?

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NFL: Super Bowl LI-New England Patriots vs Atlanta Falcons Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

As we head into Week 16 of the 2019 NFL season, the Jacksonville Jaguars are making a trip north to play the Atlanta Falcons. We’re both 5-9. We’re both well out of playoff contention. It’s time for a Q&A series that goes off the f*cking rails.

To give us a little bit of perspective into this SEC matchup we’re talking to Matt Chambers, one of the site managers over at The Falcoholic.

LET’S DO THIS.

1. What is the historical equivalent of 28-3? Washington Crossing The Delaware? The Battle of Thermopylae? Easter Sunday? Where does it rank among the all-time great comebacks in human history?

The historical equivalent of 28-3 is definitely Santa Paws 2: The Santa Pups. There are brand new puppers in this, so don’t feel like you have to watch The Search for Santa Paws to understand the context and character development. However, I would definitely recommend seeing it because it is a cinematic treat that changed how movies are thought of. In the sequel, the mischevious puppies accidentally use up all the Christmas spirit by granting kids their holiday wishes. Boy oh boy, it sure starts to look like there’s no way to get the Christmas spirit back by the night of the 24th, which would, of course, ruin Christmas.

Spoiler alert: The pups and Mrs. Claus race to save Christmas all across the world in just the nick of time, teaching everyone about the true meaning of the holidays. It’s sort of like that, but instead of using crystals, magic, and holiday spirit, the Patriots simply played miraculously well and definitely didn’t cheat. Also in this comparison, those cute puppers are the evilest, most hated dogs history. No one is alleging any cheating, but we know exactly two facts: (1) The most unlikely, unbelievable, nonsensical comeback of all time occurred after an extended halftime break, and (2) the Patriots have only been stringent followers of the rules.

2. Let’s say you’re Dr. Frankenstein: How would you assemble the perfect Atlanta Falcons quarterback using only the body parts of previous Atlanta Falcons quarterbacks not named Michael Vick?

This is really tough. If the Falcons are known for one thing, it is our long line of elite and Hall of Fame quarterbacks.

Before we get to the physical attributes, I’d start with Matt Schaub’s resiliency. When other quarterbacks would have retired out of shame, guess who refused to hang up their cleats? Matt Schaub. When other quarterbacks tossed an insane number of pick-6s, you know who ignored all common sense and stayed in the league? Matt Schaub. When it was clear his time starting was over, and he could ride out of his pro career on top, he was right back in it. Sort of like Steve Rogers before he became Captain America, Schaub just kept coming back for more even when there was no change for success.

Speaking of, Schaub showed off his arm in Week 8 when he tossed 460 passing yards on the Seattle Seahawks. Undoubtedly an impressive achievement for any quarterback. Even at 37-ish, he’s got an elite arm. Give me his arm to go with his resiliency. You can’t win in this league without great footwork, and Schaub showed off next level feet in 2009 when he threw for almost 4,800 yards. Toss in those feet, and his 6-foot-6, 245-pound prototypical quarterback size, and you really have the perfect quarterback.

3. How would humanity change if all humans’ life expectancy was significantly increased (let’s say to around 500 years)?

Here are my biggest concerns about this:

  • Facebook would become, somehow, even more unbearable
  • Florida would become so overpopulated that there is a good chance it just sinks into the ocean, with no trace of the former civilization, except for small traces of boiled peanuts that wash up on the new Gulf Coast
  • The companies running daytime commercials about investing in gold would become trillion-dollar conglomerates
  • We would need to ration all hard candies
  • The Early Bird special would move to 1:30 pm

In sum up, nothing great happens.

4. What is your favorite tweet of all time?

I love to see well wishes on Twitter so the answer here is easy.

5. If Dan Quinn wasn’t a football coach, what is a job you could see him doing really, really well?

”DQ,” short for Dan Quinn, is the perfect salesman for mediocre goods. He’s great with players, the media, and everyone he comes in contact with. He’s just not giving anyone what they want. Could he sell me on a 10-year old car with a salvage title? Hell yeah, and I’d gladly pay an extra $300 for the undercoating. After all, there are lots of salt trucks in the winter in the southeast that I need to protect the horribly bent frame. DQ’d get me so amped when there’s a problem with my credit and the only loan rate he can get me is over 30 percent. He can really get you to buy into anything even when the results are bad, like a $500 dealer fee that was not in the ad or on the window sticker. Even after two bad years, I know he should be gone, but I kind of want him to stay. Hell yeah, I’ll be back next time I buy a car, and I totally understand why you don’t allow me to take the car to an independent mechanic before I buy it.

Bonus: How do you see Sunday’s game turning out? You all just beat the freaking San Francisco 49ers but a few weeks ago lost by multiple touchdowns to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. What’s in store for the Jacksonville Jaguars?

I can tell you each time our staff is unanimous the Falcons will lose, the team has won. Each time the staff is unanimous the Falcons will win, the team has lost. Falcons fans using their advanced knowledge of the team to bet have all become homeless.

Nothing with this team makes any damn sense.

I’m so tired all the time.

I haven’t talked to my dad in almost two years.