The Jacksonville Jaguars and Atlanta Falcons are meeting for their annual fourth and final week of the preseason and there likely won’t be a single starter playing for either team on either side of the ball.
LET’S TALK ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN FOOTBALL!
Here is what he had to say:
1. Let’s get right into it with a football question. Are chemtrails real?
Chemtrails are real insofar that contrails are real, but there are no (or few, maybe there’s a couple of evil plans up there) chemicals being wafted into the air by suspicious government agencies with acronyms like VIRUS. It’s just water vapor.
I think this one persists for the usual reason conspiracies like this persist: There’s something we can see, few of us understand what it is, and the ubiquity and lack of readily-available evidence makes it easy to fill in the blanks. If you want to believe the government is evil and competent instead of, I guess, evil and incompetent, these kinds of narratives are attractive.
Still, I always find it weird how invested we are in the idea that the government is poisoning us when the majority of peoples’ groundwater has cancer-causing chemicals in it and most of us are carrying around poisons that have been dumped in rivers, oceans, and aquifers for decades by major corporations around the world. If you’re a fan of a good “they’re out to get us” narrative, you’ve got ammo, but it doesn’t really concern vapor trails in the sky.
2. If you could clone just one Falcons player on your current roster to field all 22 starting positions, who would it be?
Looking for someone to hand the ball off to Julio Jones while Julio Jones blocks? Julio Jones is your man. Julio Jones finds Julio Jones beating his man handily for a quick 15 yard pickup. Julio Jones lining up and putting his man on the ground, sacking Nick Foles. Julio Jones at cornerback locking down receivers and Julio Jones playing deep safety reading the wobbly long pass correctly, picking off a pass and lateraling to Julio Jones. I’m not sure a team of 22 Julio Jones’ would win a ton of games, but there’s little question they’d be a blast to watch in action.
3. You make a lot of coffee jokes in your early morning tweets. What is the superior way to prepare coffee? Please be as specific as possible.
The best way to prepare it is pretty straightforward. First, you need to acquire the fresh beans, which means sneaking on to a Colombian coffee farm in the dead of night. You’ll want to neutralize the guards, of course, but it’s best to use something that won’t linger in the system. For my money, a collapsible crossbow and darts pre-loaded with ketamine are your best bet. Just be sure to aim carefully!
If you can come away with a backpack full of coffee cherries before the dogs show up, you’ve done well. Avoid venomous snakes and spiders on your way back to the helipad and fly to your offshore coffee lab, being sure to watch your fuel tank! Once home, spread the cherries on 1-2 large plastic tarps and allow them to dry in the sun, turning at least twice per day to avoid spoilage. If it rains, you’ll want to cover them with another tarp. If curious birds show up, well, you’ve already got your crossbow. You’re waiting for the moisture level of the cherries to drop to about 11%.
At this point, you’ll want to turn to your hulling machine to remove the endocarp and just leave the beans. If you’re smacking your forehead and saying “damnit, I forgot my hulling machine,” you are a coffee novice and should flee your private island in shame. Try again later, loser.
Once the beans are hulled, you should grind them to a fine dust in your powerful hands, hands that are rough with the regrets of the ages and the things you did in the ring when you were still chasing your welterweight dreams. Did fate guide your hand, or did you put all those poor men on the mat of your own free will? Would Susan still be with you if you had heeded the bell much, much sooner? These are the thoughts that keep you up at night when your freshly brewed coffee isn’t.
Now that you have finely ground beans, add them to the $30,000 coffee machine you “acquired” from the Yakuza during a spirited game of hanafuda, where you maintain that you did not place a second ono no michikaze in the deck. The coffee machine will have to serve as your treasured memory of Osaka given that you can no longer show your face there. Once brewed, pour into the “I <3 Susan” mug you’ve kept and weep bitterly at both its deliciousness and the loss of the one true love of your life.
Or you can just go to Aroma Joe’s, my local coffee shop of choice, and get a 32 ounce cold brew. Depends on how much of a go-getter you are.
4. While we’re on the topic of breakfast -- what are the three best and three worst cereals ever created?
There’s no way to put together a cereal list that doesn’t make people hate you, so I might as well lean into this one:
- Count Chocula
- Apple Jacks
- Nintendo Cereal System, which was produced for like two years in the late 1980s and is a dragon I will chase for the rest of my life.
- Plain Shredded Wheat
Am I utterly destroyed by years of exposure to sugary cereals? Yes. Am I going to die of advanced cavities? Yes. Don’t care.
5. But seriously... is there anything you’ll be watching with interest in this preseason finale?
The Falcons have a fairly veteran team with a fairly solid lineup, so there’s not a lot of starting jobs up for grabs, but there is a lot of depth. This is a team that is top-heavy with big contracts, so getting young guys who can actually contribute both now and in the future is going to be essential to keep them afloat over the long haul.
So I’ll be watching backup running back with interest to see if Qadree Ollison or Brian Hill can grab the third job, because Devonta Freeman is coming off back-to-back years of significant injuries and young insurance is key. I’ll be watching the receiver battle to see if a young, explosive player can latch on to a job that might turn into a role down the line. I’ll be watching impressive young offensive lineman Matt Gono closely to see if he might be the team’s swing tackle of the future. And on the defensive side of the ball, there’s a ton of intrigue, with fourth round Athlete John Cominsky on the defensive line, extremely promising young linebacker Jermaine Grace, and interesting cornerback and sixth rounder Jordan Miller figuring to be essential depth for the Falcons, especially if injuries become a problem again this year.
Depth hasn’t always or even often been a strength for Atlanta in the 2010s, so I’m hoping some of these guys both make the roster and turn into impactful players. Thursday night is their last chance to make the case.